killtheanimals | Post-Game CMO; camppetoskey

No kidding... Even sleeping is weird to me now, we didn't have to on the other end.

[ Which meant very boring and sad nights. Boa wonders if he shouldn't be referencing the camp version of afterlife so casually, but he also knows that not bringing it up would consume him from the inside. It's not easy to forget, that feeling of looking in from the outside, through dozens of eyes. ]

And on top of it all, this is the first time in years that I've had an own room. I didn't rank high enough for one in the Snake Pit.

[ Not that they're ranking high in the organization either, but it seems to overall have a lot more money to spare. Boa isn't complaining, not really, but waking up indoors alone is definitely strange. ]

Really?

[To the first part. Perhaps it's not a surprise, in the end, but there's still so much he's curious about, regarding Boa's life (unlife?), both the time spent in camp and the time spent before then.

After a short pause, he decides to focus on the Snake Pit. It might be better to start with, given it's only been about two days.]

It was decided by rank?

Yes, unless you were a mask you slept in community bedrooms with the other boys. They were a bit smaller than the cabins, actually.

[ The nice comfortable beanbag space was missing. The Snake Pit had rooms to sleep and not to feel at home in. ]

The lower masks had privilege to oversee the non-ranks like me at training and they got single rooms. The top were the eyes - like Red Eye. I suppose they had larger rooms as well, but I've never been in those. I suppose I would have gotten one of them in the end, but that was when the Eyes were already defeated and we operated outside of the building.

Anyway, this [ he makes a broad gesture to indicate the room ] is pretty luxurious all things considered.

[He listens intently to this explanation, though there's the one bit at the end he wants to confirm.]

You rose through all the ranks?

[He's only ever gotten it piecemeal up until now - best to get it straight now that they have the time to spend on it, not occupied with plans of survival and escape - yet.]

Well, that'd be nice.

[ He shrugs a little helplessly. As much as he'd like to brag about being in the Snake Pit top three by now, there is a whole lot of context to it and... well. They should probably be honest with each other and give realistic impressions of their capability. ]

But in reality, you know how I told you when we met that the Snake Pit got infiltrated? Almost all of the high ranking bladers were defeated in this. I was low-rank enough to not even have to fight and... well, afterwards Ashram needed replacements. The ranks were pretty much gone by the time I got into his favor.

Which isn't to say he didn't put me through hell to get Bahamut and gain this status. [ He points to the scar over his nose. ] Or what I thought was hell at the time. I really thought I might die and it didn't even matter to me.

[Ah. Yes, the scar.

It's a dark place to be, and he knows it too well. It was easier to push from his mind once he had a goal, but in those last weeks his mind began reaching for it all over again, didn't it?

That worthlessness.]

So that was why you pursued strength.

Mhm. I didn't think there was anything else worthwhile for me out there.

[ That admission is made a bit more quietly. Back in his world, Boa never really considered why he was doing things. He had simply always been pushing ahead at a speed that made it impossible to look behind himself. And wasn't it obvious to want to be the strongest? Wasn't it a goal everyone should have? He'd thought so. He'd thought was all there was to the world. And if he lost, if he died... then it'd just be so. He'd never allowed himself to dwell on it for longer than that. ]

Seems I was wrong. [ He can say this looking Mitsuru in the eyes because Mitsuru is the tangible proof of it. ] I don't think I've ever wanted to keep anything. Even Red Eye... I was obsessed with him. I was chasing after him, seeing only him. But in the end, I wanted to surpass him and leave him behind.

[ Ah, that's a lot of words about Red Eye that just come out faster and faster because he's been thinking about it so much and not really known where to go with these thoughts and feelings. There is no denying that Red Eye is important, there is denying that Red Eye is why he was even alive to come to camp to start with, but... but...

Boa takes a deep breath. ]

I think this is the first time I just want to be side by side with somebody.

[He matches that gaze, unflinching, but also...

Somewhat sad, too. Because he's realizing things now, realizing other ways they were perhaps a little too alike, yet neither of them noticing why.

His own reply is quiet, and somewhat dry.]

...I'm beginning to wonder if we weren't side by side from the start.

[In many ways, it was the same place, wasn't it? Rushing ahead with no regard for what was behind, chasing dreams that turned out to be as empty and hollow as the void they left behind.]

[ That catches Boa off-guard and the surprise shows on his face, but he takes a moment to sincerely consider what Mitsuru is saying. But thinking of the early weeks... it's actually somewhat shameful, looking back. ]

... mhm. Maybe. I think... what my body said to you the day... [ No, he can't bring himself to say what day, not now that so many of them aren't here at all, souls taken to an uncertain fate... ] that day...

That wasn't wrong. At the start, I wanted you to be something... different. I wanted to rush after you the same way, I just... I wanted to use you to motivate myself to survive.

[ He feels so dirty about this now, when back then he'd not had any reservations about it. ]

So I couldn't tell at all what was actually happening. I'm sorry.

[There's a huff of a laugh, or maybe a sigh.]

It wouldn't be the first time. A lot of people think I am what I'm not.

[But...]

After becoming a Traveler... I thought I was someone powerful. Powerful enough to grab anything I reached for.

[Looking back, it's easy to see where he'd become drunk with power. Going from helpless to practically almighty went to his head so quickly, it's ridiculous.

He thought he knew himself. But in truth, he was never as great as he'd thought.]

Before I became a Traveler... I didn't have any power at all. I was just some kid everyone spread stupid, inflated rumors about.

[Time and time again, all because of reasons out of his hands, no matter how much damage control he ran.]

You didn't care if you died. [And here, he swallows hard. Because this isn't something he's ever admitted, isn't something anyone knows outside of his aunt and the personnel who became involved in stopping him.]

I... would have liked to, back then.

[He isn't - and never was - as strong as Boa thought.]

[ Boa knows he should be surprised. This should be a game-changing confession. This should change everything about how he sees Mitsuru.

And it doesn't.

It's not that he had known, precisely. He hadn't, not this way. Mitsuru's vague admission about considering to simply let himself die in camp was still... different. Still on a level that Boa could relate to. He hadn't considered this outside of camp. No... more than that... even after he knew the source of Mitsuru's desperation, even after they spoke of Aya... he still hadn't really thought about a Mitsuru before magic. It seemed so far past... as far in the past as a Boa before the Snake Pit, a Boa who saw no harm in going there in the first place.

Boa swallows as well. For a moment, he doesn't know what to say. He's not shocked, not disappointed either... It's just heavy. A weight on his chest. ]

Mitsuru...

[ A softly spoken name, just to break the silence. I would have liked to... To a Boa of the past it would be a disappointment. It would take the air out of his lungs and make him question his own will for survival and yet... all he can think is 'so what? what does that even change now?'. ]

You're still the most amazing person I know.

[ It changes nothing. ]

You... I thought I'd never have anything or anyone ever again when I died, but you...

[ His voice fails him, talking about his death, and he just grabs Mitsuru's hands instead. ]

[The touch is startling, but he quickly grasps Boa's hands right back, grip tight. Because now--]

I had nothing to return to there. It didn't matter if I died there, or in Vision. It was all or nothing.

[Maybe it would have been better that way, still echoes in his head. He shakes it lightly, trying to dismiss it.]

...I realize now that I probably can't get that wish. Not with the plans I had in place. [Camp had taught him that cruel lesson, again and again, painfully.] But if I couldn't do that... If I couldn't save them--

At least I could try to save you.

[That's why he's here. That's why he remains. It's selfish in a lot of ways, he knows; he's always acted for himself, helped others for himself. But in the end, the result is the same:

He never wanted to lose Boa again.]

[ This time there isn't a break before Boa responds because the responds feels like he is simply carrying on a shared train of thought that Mitsuru started. ]

... at least I could try to keep my promise and see you on Monday. At least I could try to keep them from using you. At least you...

[ Isn't it funny how the list goes on and on like that? ]

I'd died, I'd... there was nothing left of everything I wanted for myself, but you... You were alive, you still had a use for me, you were waiting...

[ His voice wavers at that. Why would anybody ever wait for him? Wait for anybody? Fight for yourself, stumble and get left behind... and yet... He'd wait for Mitsuru now, a dozen times over if he had to. Letting him slip through his fingers is the much more terrifying thought.]

Boa...

[His own expression crumples, and he leans forward, head pressed up against the other boy's.]

That's not why I tried to save you.

["Usefulness" - it's something he sought in others for so long. But when it came to Boa, it hardly ever occurred to him.

Why was that...?]

You were the only person there I could really consider a friend. Probably... the only person since they died. [His family.]

You understood what we had to do there from the start. [Unlike the others, trying so hard to deny it.] But... besides that...

Being with you was probably the first time I've had fun again. It's... been a really, really long time. [Even as he says it, he knows how weird it is. Of all the places to finally enjoy himself, the middle of a camp where they had to kill each other is just... bizarre.]

...I really could keep thanking you for everything you've done. It'd never end.

[ It doesn't sound strange to Boa at all. After all, he experienced camp very similarly. Laughing, trying something new, playing for the sake of playing... even the race to win at the Wii had been lighthearted compared to the way he'd been treating his life. And all of that brought them here. Every step they took in summer camp lead up to the warm hands he is holding way too tightly and the close view he has of another boy's eyes...

Camp could be undone. He could die here and he might go back to a world where none of it ever happened. And despite all the horror he'll never forget about, Boa knows he'll never let that happen. ]

You really are incredible...

[ No matter how much he says it, Boa is sure it won't wear out. ]

I don't need any thanks. This is more than enough.

[ Holding on to each other so tightly that he can feel without a shadow of doubt that he's alive. Feeling his heart race in his chest and his mouth go dry as they express emotions that he's never shared with anybody before. He's alive. They made it so. ]

[The words have him blinking in surprise, only to give a huff of - yes, that's laughter this time. His smile is bittersweet, but it's there.]

...I'm never going to convince you otherwise, am I?

[That he's not that great - that he's really just a kid, a kid who happened to stumble upon an opportunity and blow it.

But there's something special to that, too. That Boa can see all those weaknesses, all those scars, and still say it's "incredible."]

[ How is he ever going to be convinced otherwise when Mitsuru is laughing like this? ]

You won't.

[ The reply has a lot of certainty behind it. The old reasons for thinking so have been pushed into the background by now, replaced by far more irrational and subjective thoughts of value and by the wonder of being cared for against all odds... But that doesn't mean Boa can stop thinking it every time they lock eyes after he came back to live. ]

I trust your judgement on most things, but this... I know I'm right.

Vesna Esta Holicia; until you shine again
UNREAD E-MAILS (0)	VOICEMAILS (0)	Mitsuru.Ashikawa: [ BS06 ] TEXT [Magicus7]

Post-Game CMO; camppetoskey

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cw: suicide

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