killtheanimals | Post-Game CMO; camppetoskey

[There's a huff of a laugh, or maybe a sigh.]

It wouldn't be the first time. A lot of people think I am what I'm not.

[But...]

After becoming a Traveler... I thought I was someone powerful. Powerful enough to grab anything I reached for.

[Looking back, it's easy to see where he'd become drunk with power. Going from helpless to practically almighty went to his head so quickly, it's ridiculous.

He thought he knew himself. But in truth, he was never as great as he'd thought.]

Before I became a Traveler... I didn't have any power at all. I was just some kid everyone spread stupid, inflated rumors about.

[Time and time again, all because of reasons out of his hands, no matter how much damage control he ran.]

You didn't care if you died. [And here, he swallows hard. Because this isn't something he's ever admitted, isn't something anyone knows outside of his aunt and the personnel who became involved in stopping him.]

I... would have liked to, back then.

[He isn't - and never was - as strong as Boa thought.]

[ Boa knows he should be surprised. This should be a game-changing confession. This should change everything about how he sees Mitsuru.

And it doesn't.

It's not that he had known, precisely. He hadn't, not this way. Mitsuru's vague admission about considering to simply let himself die in camp was still... different. Still on a level that Boa could relate to. He hadn't considered this outside of camp. No... more than that... even after he knew the source of Mitsuru's desperation, even after they spoke of Aya... he still hadn't really thought about a Mitsuru before magic. It seemed so far past... as far in the past as a Boa before the Snake Pit, a Boa who saw no harm in going there in the first place.

Boa swallows as well. For a moment, he doesn't know what to say. He's not shocked, not disappointed either... It's just heavy. A weight on his chest. ]

Mitsuru...

[ A softly spoken name, just to break the silence. I would have liked to... To a Boa of the past it would be a disappointment. It would take the air out of his lungs and make him question his own will for survival and yet... all he can think is 'so what? what does that even change now?'. ]

You're still the most amazing person I know.

[ It changes nothing. ]

You... I thought I'd never have anything or anyone ever again when I died, but you...

[ His voice fails him, talking about his death, and he just grabs Mitsuru's hands instead. ]

[The touch is startling, but he quickly grasps Boa's hands right back, grip tight. Because now--]

I had nothing to return to there. It didn't matter if I died there, or in Vision. It was all or nothing.

[Maybe it would have been better that way, still echoes in his head. He shakes it lightly, trying to dismiss it.]

...I realize now that I probably can't get that wish. Not with the plans I had in place. [Camp had taught him that cruel lesson, again and again, painfully.] But if I couldn't do that... If I couldn't save them--

At least I could try to save you.

[That's why he's here. That's why he remains. It's selfish in a lot of ways, he knows; he's always acted for himself, helped others for himself. But in the end, the result is the same:

He never wanted to lose Boa again.]

[ This time there isn't a break before Boa responds because the responds feels like he is simply carrying on a shared train of thought that Mitsuru started. ]

... at least I could try to keep my promise and see you on Monday. At least I could try to keep them from using you. At least you...

[ Isn't it funny how the list goes on and on like that? ]

I'd died, I'd... there was nothing left of everything I wanted for myself, but you... You were alive, you still had a use for me, you were waiting...

[ His voice wavers at that. Why would anybody ever wait for him? Wait for anybody? Fight for yourself, stumble and get left behind... and yet... He'd wait for Mitsuru now, a dozen times over if he had to. Letting him slip through his fingers is the much more terrifying thought.]

Boa...

[His own expression crumples, and he leans forward, head pressed up against the other boy's.]

That's not why I tried to save you.

["Usefulness" - it's something he sought in others for so long. But when it came to Boa, it hardly ever occurred to him.

Why was that...?]

You were the only person there I could really consider a friend. Probably... the only person since they died. [His family.]

You understood what we had to do there from the start. [Unlike the others, trying so hard to deny it.] But... besides that...

Being with you was probably the first time I've had fun again. It's... been a really, really long time. [Even as he says it, he knows how weird it is. Of all the places to finally enjoy himself, the middle of a camp where they had to kill each other is just... bizarre.]

...I really could keep thanking you for everything you've done. It'd never end.

[ It doesn't sound strange to Boa at all. After all, he experienced camp very similarly. Laughing, trying something new, playing for the sake of playing... even the race to win at the Wii had been lighthearted compared to the way he'd been treating his life. And all of that brought them here. Every step they took in summer camp lead up to the warm hands he is holding way too tightly and the close view he has of another boy's eyes...

Camp could be undone. He could die here and he might go back to a world where none of it ever happened. And despite all the horror he'll never forget about, Boa knows he'll never let that happen. ]

You really are incredible...

[ No matter how much he says it, Boa is sure it won't wear out. ]

I don't need any thanks. This is more than enough.

[ Holding on to each other so tightly that he can feel without a shadow of doubt that he's alive. Feeling his heart race in his chest and his mouth go dry as they express emotions that he's never shared with anybody before. He's alive. They made it so. ]

[The words have him blinking in surprise, only to give a huff of - yes, that's laughter this time. His smile is bittersweet, but it's there.]

...I'm never going to convince you otherwise, am I?

[That he's not that great - that he's really just a kid, a kid who happened to stumble upon an opportunity and blow it.

But there's something special to that, too. That Boa can see all those weaknesses, all those scars, and still say it's "incredible."]

[ How is he ever going to be convinced otherwise when Mitsuru is laughing like this? ]

You won't.

[ The reply has a lot of certainty behind it. The old reasons for thinking so have been pushed into the background by now, replaced by far more irrational and subjective thoughts of value and by the wonder of being cared for against all odds... But that doesn't mean Boa can stop thinking it every time they lock eyes after he came back to live. ]

I trust your judgement on most things, but this... I know I'm right.

Vesna Esta Holicia; until you shine again
UNREAD E-MAILS (0)	VOICEMAILS (0)	Mitsuru.Ashikawa: [ BS06 ] TEXT [Magicus7]

Post-Game CMO; camppetoskey

cw: suicide

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